Thursday, December 6, 2012

Decapitation by Mattress

We are one of the few remaining newspaper subscribers.  Ours isn't a daily paper, just the Sunday monster. It takes me approximately 1.5 weeks to read through it, so getting a daily would be overwhelming and I fear the papers would stack up so much that the Hoarders program would come calling.  So I'm always behind, usually by only a week, but sometimes I learn of late breaking news about a month after the event.  That only becomes a problem when I see there is a free give away happening, yesterday.

There are always interesting articles in the paper, more so that what you get from the local tv news.  Where else will you find out that the local hog farms could create power using the methane from the pig waste?  Too bad it costs so much that it will never happen.  That might be a good thing though, who wants to grow veggies in a methane powered green house?  Fart flavored zucchini anyone?

Even when I do read the paper from cover to cover, there are bits I skip over.  The editorials for instance.   If someone is mad enough to actually write into a paper that no one reads anyway, then you know they are going to pour their angry soul into the piece.  I'd rather glue my toes together.  The other bit I skip is the obituaries.  I know there are people that read them obsessively, but they frustrate me.  Obits are little stories about someone's life, so why in the world would you leave out the ending?  I want the gory details.

When I go, you are going to know how, when, and if there is an interesting reason, why.  Like the time I was almost killed by a truck, carrying mattresses.  Have you ever seen one of those farm trucks that are stacked so high with hay that they wouldn't be able to get under the highway overpass?  Well this truck was stacked just as high, but with mattresses.  I was wondering where this bed puzzle was heading, when a gust of wind caught the top mattress and it tried to take flight. My mind did a frenzied inventory...  How many seconds should there be between vehicles?  How far can a mattress fly? Has anyone ever tested that?  Kids test how far paper airplanes fly off of school roofs, the natural progression should be testing the flight characteristics of things that could be deadly projectiles.   Like mattresses.

I wonder how my homicidal mattress truck got all the way to Uganda?

Thankfully, the mattress was tied down just enough so that only the front end flapped up.  But should it have killed me, the sordid fans of the obituaries would know exactly how it happened.

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