Friday, June 21, 2013

Don't Look At The Guy In The Trench Coat, Because He Has No Pants On

It's 3:30 in the morning, and I feel like those hamsters that run and run on a wheel and get nowhere.  At least my mind feels like one.  If I was really running to nowhere, I'd be at a place called 'fit'.  I've seen the real human version of hamsters.  Usually they are spied through the bottom of my empty frappachino cup as I'm struggling to slurp out the last drips of sin.

It would be nice if we could burn calories by thinking too much...  You've heard of exercise bulimia, right?  If not, just hang out in Carrboro for a few days.  At some point, you will see a woman that runs to escape her shadow.  She must be mightily afraid of that thing, because she's as fast as the wind, and she never stops.  And she appears to be made of sticks and plastic wrap. She could live on burgerwhops and milkshakes, and still be skinny as a rail. It's scary.

But thinking bulimia, now I could get behind that!  Seriously, I have solved all of my problems, and many of the world's problems in these hours of fidgety wakefulness, by just letting my brain run in circles.  If I could voice these thoughts, you know, in daylight hours, maybe I could hush my brain at night, AND fix some major discrepancies in my life.  Unfortunately, the things that would solve my first world problems always seem to rely heavily on how other people live.  Now attach a calorie burn count to all of that thinking, and I'm a rail too!, but that would be icky.  Never mind.

The rail body would up my chances of actually hiking in the buff though.  Which is happening today.  Not my buff, butt other buffs.  It's Hike Naked Day!  And the Summer Solstice!  Wrapped up into one warm body of love :)  Might not be the best day to take the kids for a scavenger hunt in the woods.  ...butt then again, what's the big deal seeing a penis?  After all, it's just a lump of flesh, like an ear lobe.  One that moves around sometimes, but not very scary.  And being naked isn't scary, unless of course you are naked to be scary, in that case, you need to be put away.  Butt you probably aren't all the way naked, your are probably wearing a trench coat with your scary nakedness under cover so that you can freak out an unsuspecting innocent.

 I'll not end on Mr. Creepsalot.  Mostly, naked things are nice and friendly.  Like my dog.  I think because he has no hair, he might be a little nicer. My dog, not Mr. Creepsalot...  I guess there's no in-between when you look odd.  You either have to be really friendly, or a miserable cuss.  And friendly is better.

Which brings up another question...I wonder why it isn't called a drench coat?  It was made for keeping dry in a drenching rain, right?  I bet it was, but like the game 'telephone', he told someone, the word was misunderstood, and the brilliant chap that made the world's first 'drench coat' is in emotional shambles because the wrong name for his creation stuck.  Poor dude.  

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Beware of Bares!

My favorite day in the entire world is almost here!

...well, maybe not my all time, spin the world on my finger, favorite day, but it comes close.

Hike Naked Day
I really wish I was comfortable enough in my own skin to really have a trek in the woods, sans clothes, but I have to live vicariously.

In quite a few of my sections on the Appalachian Trail, I have passed a fellow hiker that was letting it all hang out.  No one really seems to mind.  I guess if you are in the woods, walking around with a house on your back, the last thing that you are really going to have a problem with is a bit of skin.  Sometimes a little bit ;)

Each year, on June 21, the summer solstice, the bares come out to play.

So avert your eyes, but if you want to do a bit of 'free hiking', be sure to wear comfy shoes.

I think I am going to hike naked when the full moon coincides with the summer solstice.  That's in 2062.  I'll be a beautiful old lady at the young age of 86.  I think that's a perfect time to hike naked!  Maybe I'll try to thru-hike that year.  Sounds perfect to me :)  I'll have to slack pack a lot though.  I bet my 86 year old self won't give a rats ass.  I'll have the trail name Rumpledstilskin!

Getting old is gonna rock!

Saturday, June 8, 2013

No Ma'am, It's Still Not an Emergency.

I think I'm in big trouble.

I've heard that the people that attempt suicide by diving over Niagara Falls and have to be rescued, are sent a bill for the rescue.  That little operation to rescue a plunger costs about $10,000.  And that number is from Wikipedia, so I'm going to say it probably costs about $55,000.  Nice thing to get as you are wrestled into the padded room by the white coats.

Now don't go getting my info from Google in order to send the booby hatch orderlies my way, I'm not talking about anything as drastic as that.  Besides, that water is freakin cold, y'all already know that I'm not a fan.  I won't be getting into my swimming skivvies to ride that ride.

I might be in trouble because my ass keeps calling 911.  How many times will they let a butt dial slide before they send me a bill?

The first time I called 911, I did it on purpose.  A semi truck was weaving back and forth going between 35 and 60 mph on an interstate.  I really thought he would kill someone as he fell asleep at the wheel.  ...and just so you know, I followed that truck from NC to Va, and no cops ever appeared on the scene.  And I really wanted to witness an exciting slow speed chase and take down!

The second time I called, it was on purpose too.  Just so you know, I'm not one of those crazy people that call the emergency number because the neighbor put some ugly yard art that he made from broken plastic (hangers and kitchen drying rack) in his front yard.  It has to be something that will cause grave danger to someone.  So this second time, I called because there was a mattress in the median of the interstate, and a guy standing next to his car on the outside shoulder of the highway.  This dillweed was going to run across 4 lanes of traffic to retrieve the mattress that launched off his roof.  I think I called him a knucklehead when I spoke to the 911 operator.  I mean, what the hell!  ...I didn't backtrack to see if the cops showed up at that one.  You can't fix stupid.
I have no idea what this says,
but I bet it's 'NO, YOU TAKE

But that's it.  Those are the only times I meant to call 911.

And I'm sure they get a lot of accidental butt dials.  My first was actually my son playing with the phone.  I found out that even if the keyboard is locked, you can still dial the 9-1-1, and it goes through.  Whoops.  I apologized sincerely and I think I was forgiven.  Then it happened again.  And again.  Three times is the charm, right?  Nope.

I did it again yesterday.  4.

They just left a message this time...  I think when they recognize my number, the call is handed to the newest member of the operator crew.  I'm who they cut their teeth on.

So that's six.  SIX times I have called 911 from the same phone number.  God, I really hope I don't ever have a real emergency.

Oh!  And I have called poison control!  When she was 2, my daughter bit into a glow stick while we were camping.  Her mouth and throat were this glowey weird yellow, much the same color of what I imagine alien blood to look like.  (for reference, the goop inside glow sticks, even though it looks like the waste that the Toxic Avenger sprang forth from, is strangely non toxic)

So let's put that call to poison control into the growing pile of  'it's that damn woman's ass again, you get it.'

I wonder if I'm on the opposite of a 'watch list'?

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

You Have a Spot of Ketchup on Your Nose...

So the summer season is right around the corner.  I've been looking forward to it for about 8 months now, and I can feel it vibrating on my fingertips.  It's like I have a new twitch.

Now the monster question is what the heck do I do now?

As a busy stay at home mom, I have grand plans.  I even went so far as to think about alliterating our schedules, like 'museum Monday' and 'tv Tuesday'.  But that's as far as I got.  And I wouldn't even let them watch tv all day, it would be the matinee at the local movie place, in which case it should be 'matinee Monday', but then where would the museum fit in?  So I've scratched that.  Except maybe the prized 'french fry Friday', because everyone needs a hit now and then.

And french fries are like crack.

So much so that I had to stop at a grocery to buy a box of cereal to munch on while I drive the 30 minutes to a class I'm taking.  I know, that doesn't make a whole lot of sense, until you find that the class starts at 6pm and goes until 10, and I drive right by a Burgerwhop.  Popping crunchy bits of cereal keeps me satisfied enough to resist that urge to consume what I know is poisonous nasty.  You know, crack.

I've got to watch this movie again! 
I wonder, if I snorted a french fry, would that release me from this horrible desire?  Would it break my nasty habit?  Like the time that I was caught smoking, and my dad made me chain smoke an entire pack.  ...I have to say that doing that is one of the dumbest things you can do to try to teach your child to stay away from cigarettes.  All it did for me was teach me that I prefer Marlboro 100's instead of the Reds I usually smoked.  After all, the 100's are longer.  What he should have done was shove a cigarette up my nose and smack the crap out of me.  ...see how I did that, brought it right back to the possible benefit of snorting a french fry?  circle of life, baby.

I still have a few days to decide if I will or will not actually get anything done this summer, in terms of fun, that is.  I'd like to go to the beach, and the mountains, then back to the beach, with a few trips to the zoo and many days spent lounging at the pool.  And if I stay on top of things, some of that might really happen.  As I said, I have grand plans, and I usually succeed in accomplishing the plans for about two weeks, then I drop the ball.  But those two weeks are gonna be slammin!  So french fry up, kids, cuz this momma's gonna be trippin fun!