Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Better Than Cattle Wrangling

Ok, so I've come back... but this is really important.  I have thought of something that will save lives, time, and avoid the panic that settles over you like a parachute when you have broken both your legs on a bad landing.

I need help with it though, and yes, we will make millions you and I.

Back in the dark ages, when I was learning how to drive, there were areas that my dad warned me not to go.  Which I immediately filed away as the perfect place to hang out with my friends...
But he was warning me about certain places that draw an unnatural amount of violence.  It was in these areas that my dear mother would slide down in her seat a little and lock her doors when she saw a person out and about, and dad warned us not to stop at traffic lights. I always was a touch embarrassed by this, and loved to roll down my window and ask the meanest looking bloke to bum a cigarette, while sitting beside me, mom had a mini stroke and peed a little.

But as I a have matured, I have come to accept that there are places that nice people should avoid.  I'm thinking of you, north Florida.  And I do, begrudgingly, accept that it isn't being a bigot when you say a certain area is less safe than another, and there actually are places that should be given a wide berth.

So this is where the 'arrive alive' idea comes in.  I know it used to be about not drinking and driving, but that's old socks, this is the new improved 'arrive alive'.  The bedazzled version.

We need an app. One that will give directions to your destination by taking into account those more violent areas.  It's easy enough to get the crime statistics from the local police station, but the part I need help with is the algorithm that is needed to meld the info into a street map and navigation aid.  It could have levels of safety too, so if you are feeling reckless, you could pick the 'I'd like to risk getting murdered and eaten by Pygmies' level.  (I'm not altogether sure that Pygmies are murderous cannibals, but I would be if I were a Pygmy)  It could have a choose your own adventure route that could possibly end in your destination being achieved with fireworks and a marching band, or your disembowelment. Then there's the 'Detroit' level.

And we could have the '9/10 cars are worth over $100,000' area.  These are the places that I like to go when I'm driving my rusted out 1989 Hyundai.  I try to find the most expensive car in the parking lot, and squeeze my beater next to their driver side door so they will have to climb through the passenger side to get in.  But if I'm completely honest, they would call 911 instead of the scuffing the leather on the climb through, because I'm sure their lawyer can find some law that says that behavior is harassment.  ...Jeez, I guess I should start an account for my bail expenses...

So if anyone out there has the smarts to do this, lets put our melons together.  I'll be the snark, and you be the brain. Or steal my idea, do it yourself, then sell the app to me for $2.99.  It will save me the unknown amount of work I would avoid doing anyway.  Just know that I am going to claim it as my own when I tell my cell mates what I'm in for.