Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Running on Empty

My son peed on his friend.

It was an odd way to end the preschool day.

I really wanted to tell him that golden showers were very inappropriate, but I thought I might giggle when I said 'golden shower', so I just said how nastygrossdisgusting it was.

Really... I'm not a guy, so I don't have the uncanny ability to direct my urine stream, which when thought about, seems like it would be fun... but who the heck thinks it's a good idea to mark his territory on the pants of his friend?!

My 5 year old, that's who.

I do think it would be handy (no pun intended) to have a penis.  I hike a lot, and have to settle for a hover, or this neato invention called a Pstyle.  I still haven't purchased one, but keep trying to think of a way to make one.  I get really weird looks by the staff of kitchen stores when I hold one of those silicone bake sheets in a funnel by my crotch...

I really haven't done that, but weird looks are probably the least of my problems if I do.

I'm one of those people that look at some super cool item and say... well, I can make that.  But a lot of times I do.  I've made my own stoves, hammocks, down covers, pack... all the stuff that I can do for a ton less green.  And I don't mean green as the environment, I mean green as in money.

When I'm rich (I hope never) I'll maybe buy a stove from some manufacturer.

...but who am I kidding. I could be the heir to Warren Buffet, and I'm still going to make a stove out of a soda can.  ...maybe one day I'll video how I do it and post it!  oooh, on to cyber fame!  I need cool music for my video though, and I'm pretty much stuck with my music lists from the 90's, because I still feel guilty spending $14. on an album when I constantly drive with my gas needle teasing the 'E'.

I know people who get very concerned when the gas light comes on.  To the point that their hear beat speeds up, and they expect to be stranded on the roadside in minutes.  They then calculate how many miles it is to the nearest gas station, even if it is the one that costs .15c more than the one 2 mile up the road.

Not me.

I know how many miles I still have before my heart should start speeding up.  I calculate how many gallons are left in the tank, the gallons per hour I will burn at certain speeds, and how tired I am.  If I'm really tired, I ask my tomorrow self if she wouldn't mind gassing up on the way to school drop-off.  My tomorrow self is very nice, at least the day before, so she always gives me a pass.  Then pokes me in the eye, hard, the next morning when I realize I have to leave 10 minutes early or run out on the way to school.  Ugh, my selves are complicated.

So when I find a way to fashion a pee funnel out of some random kitchen utensil, y'all will be the first to hear about it.

Hopefully, it won't be accompanied by a plea for a bail out.

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