Wednesday, November 27, 2013

8+ Reasons Why Being A Stay At Home Parent Sucks The Life Out Of Everything

I love reading those posts that go viral about how you know you are a 90's girl, or fun topics like that.  In fact, since I was born straddling a decade, I never could figure out if I was an 80's or a 90's child, but since reading the how you know posts, I have come away with a solid answer.  It makes me quite happy to announce that I am, unequivocally, an 80's child.  Yeah!  The only decade better is the one that hasn't happened.  These lucky kiddos will be able to say they were a child of the roaring 20's!  Because the first two decades in this century are just awkward to talk about.  Really, how do you say 'I'm a zeros' child' without sounding dumb.  Or a 'teens' child?  Dumb again.  That's why they are sticking with 'millennial's', and so would I.

So recently I read a post about the 21 reasons being a stay at home mom sucks.  ...that wasn't the title, but it lead you to believe that the 21 reasons would be those that would cause a second thought when deciding to resign from your job.  And they fell flat.  Half of the reasons would make anyone want to be the stay at home parent.  I think that's doing a disservice to those that are considering the giant leap into stay at homes.  I firmly believe that when considering any occupation, you should learn about the parts that make people want to stab their nearest co-worker with a dull pencil.  Usually, when someone finally nails down what job they want, it usually comes with dreams of fine pay, nice promotions, great benefits, fun co-workers, and a feeling of accomplishment at the end of a busy work day.

Then they get the job.

And reality is mean.

Hopefully, you can find the good in your profession, because there is good in everything...even the guy that drives the truck looking for road kill to pick up.  Because he gets the digs on new land that is for sale, and he will one day own all of us.

But if you go into a job knowing the good and the bad, your heart won't be smashed into little bits that a toddler will choke on.  So with that in mind, here are my reasons that being a stay at home mom sucks.  I'm not sure I'll get to 21, but then again, I might just have to buy a website to finish the list, because I'm only allowed so much on this free site.  And because I don't want to sound like the horrible parent that only takes away the crappy parts of parenthood, know that I have enjoyed being a stay at home about 90% of the time.  My kids are awesome, and I'd do it all over again.  Next time, though, I'd go into it knowing what to expect.  So think of this as a public service for those considering a job change.

Parts of being a stay at home parent that suck:

1. Never again will you be called by your given name.  No one will remember it, or care to learn it.  You are now 'Joey's Mom'.  But you will not be able to learn the other mom's names, so no one feels bad about calling each other by the stand-by 'hey...'

2. You don't have a job, and you never did.  Did you leave an illustrious career in macro-biotics?  Did you cure toenail cancer?  And if people find out you actually were something before having kids, they look at you like it was a feat of daring and skill that could not have come from this now, slightly lumpy woman that has a baby attachment.

3. Are you going to be a stay at home dad?  Because what everyone really sees when there is a dad at the playground is you are giving your wife an afternoon off.  Or the more terrible reality that you are probably just a loser that got fired and refuses to look for work.  You lazy bum.  ...or you are a kidnapper, so hope to hell that your kid isn't crying when you have to drag them away from the toy store.  One of my girlfriend's was at the mall (hell) with her daughter.  The little girl was mad at her mom, and screamed 'YOU'RE NOT MY MOM!' as she was pulled toward the exit.  The security guard actually questioned her (good guy security guard).  Luckily, the girl is a spittin image of her mom, so there wasn't much to question.  ...Good luck dads.

4. Your fancy stuff gets put away for ten years, to be replaced by a series of ever changing plastic things.  And no matter how much you say the toys need to stay in their room, the plastic will always come back into the living room, like a steady flow of multi-colored lava.  ...or birthday cake vomit.

5. Do you remember wearing nice things?  Take a picture, because you won't have to dress up (and I mean wear eye liner and brush your hair) for at least five years.  

6. Do you enjoy exotic meals?  Well you have exactly 2.75 years to eat what you want.  Once that two year old realizes that you are trying to poison him with the punjab eggplant, your taste buds are shut down.  You have one of three options.  Cook two meals.  Cook boring meals that you know the kids will eat.  Or cook what you want to eat and wait for the fight that will end with you being angry, and the kids being hungry.

7. Nothing is sacred anymore.  NOTHING.

8. This is the last one, and I'm piling all the stuff in the same one because they aren't exactly surprises, but they need to be said.  Kind of like having terms and conditions on parenthood.  No money, no benefits, no vacation, no breaks, never pooing alone, never having a peaceful meal out, never going to the bar, uno, go- fish, checkers, tying shoes in double knots then having to get the pliers to untie them only to tie them in double knots 10 minutes later, messy car, messy house, finding melted butter in your twirly lightbulb, the fire it will become, never sleeping peacefully because the kids might be dead, and never having a quiet moment...ever.

So, after all that, if you still want to take the plunge and become a stay at home parent, you will be fine.  You have been forewarned, and I have the utmost faith that you will be a success.  Because really, if your kid lives, you did it right.

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