Friday, June 21, 2013

Don't Look At The Guy In The Trench Coat, Because He Has No Pants On

It's 3:30 in the morning, and I feel like those hamsters that run and run on a wheel and get nowhere.  At least my mind feels like one.  If I was really running to nowhere, I'd be at a place called 'fit'.  I've seen the real human version of hamsters.  Usually they are spied through the bottom of my empty frappachino cup as I'm struggling to slurp out the last drips of sin.

It would be nice if we could burn calories by thinking too much...  You've heard of exercise bulimia, right?  If not, just hang out in Carrboro for a few days.  At some point, you will see a woman that runs to escape her shadow.  She must be mightily afraid of that thing, because she's as fast as the wind, and she never stops.  And she appears to be made of sticks and plastic wrap. She could live on burgerwhops and milkshakes, and still be skinny as a rail. It's scary.

But thinking bulimia, now I could get behind that!  Seriously, I have solved all of my problems, and many of the world's problems in these hours of fidgety wakefulness, by just letting my brain run in circles.  If I could voice these thoughts, you know, in daylight hours, maybe I could hush my brain at night, AND fix some major discrepancies in my life.  Unfortunately, the things that would solve my first world problems always seem to rely heavily on how other people live.  Now attach a calorie burn count to all of that thinking, and I'm a rail too!, but that would be icky.  Never mind.

The rail body would up my chances of actually hiking in the buff though.  Which is happening today.  Not my buff, butt other buffs.  It's Hike Naked Day!  And the Summer Solstice!  Wrapped up into one warm body of love :)  Might not be the best day to take the kids for a scavenger hunt in the woods.  ...butt then again, what's the big deal seeing a penis?  After all, it's just a lump of flesh, like an ear lobe.  One that moves around sometimes, but not very scary.  And being naked isn't scary, unless of course you are naked to be scary, in that case, you need to be put away.  Butt you probably aren't all the way naked, your are probably wearing a trench coat with your scary nakedness under cover so that you can freak out an unsuspecting innocent.

 I'll not end on Mr. Creepsalot.  Mostly, naked things are nice and friendly.  Like my dog.  I think because he has no hair, he might be a little nicer. My dog, not Mr. Creepsalot...  I guess there's no in-between when you look odd.  You either have to be really friendly, or a miserable cuss.  And friendly is better.

Which brings up another question...I wonder why it isn't called a drench coat?  It was made for keeping dry in a drenching rain, right?  I bet it was, but like the game 'telephone', he told someone, the word was misunderstood, and the brilliant chap that made the world's first 'drench coat' is in emotional shambles because the wrong name for his creation stuck.  Poor dude.  

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