Monday, May 6, 2013

My Defense Against Rabid Dogs

I'm going to do a double blind survey.

1. because I don't know you and honestly believe you don't exist. and
2. because I'll never see the results.

But here it is...

How many of you keep a knife in the car?

That's it.  Just one question.  And because I think it's mean to force blindness on people, I'll at least give you my answer.  I have at least 2 knives in my car.  And this is my reason...

This story scarred me for life.  I will never be trapped in a hot car with a rabid dog waiting for me and my child to get out in order for it to satisfy its intense desire to kill us.  Or if I ever am in that car, at least I can kick the dog's ass enough to get away.  So since I learned to drive, some sort of shank has always been within reach.  Thanks Stephen. related news, remember when Stephen King got hit by a car?  I heard that he then bought the car in order to exact his revenge on it.  See, when people have issues like that, they should write books to scare mothers into arming themselves.

My other reason for carrying a knife in the car is a newer one, and came from my loving husband.  

Now, I bet you're thinking that he asked me to carry a knife to defend against carjackers...or rabid dogs.  Nope.  Very wrong.  It's just in case I hit a deer.  ...and not to successfully cut through my seat belt in case the antler were to get lodged in the belt mechanism.  It would be to finish off the deer.

Yes, you read that right.  My husband would want me to slit the throat of Bambie.  In his defense, I have always said that if a deer damages my car by trying to cross the road without looking, the thing better be dead.  But finishing it off is a teensy bit different.

My husband is a hunter, and that roadkill is wasted meat if I just drove away.  I am not a hunter, so the only way Bambie would get from the road to the table is if said husband was around to save me from murdering a dead beast.

So really I carry a knife waiting for Cujo.  That puppy better find some other mother to mess with.  And in all seriousness,  why wouldn't you have a knife in your car?  What if you're trapped in the car, waiting for school to let out, and you have crackers and cheese that needs to be eaten?  What are you gonna do, just bite a hunk off?  No, you're going to go hungry and the cheese will go bad.  All because you have no knife.

Then Cujo is going to be attracted to the cheese smell and poof, you're dead.

So carry a knife, because anything can happen.

1 comment:

  1. Oh. My. God. You have one hell of a perspective, dude.