Saturday, July 27, 2013

You Will Be Put On a Gifter Pedestal

I've been doing it all wrong.

I have come to this realization quite unexpectedly and happily.  Mostly, happily for others that will relish in my change of ways from this day forth.

This happiness all comes down to a very simple action.
A gift for a child.

Kids birthdays are always difficult for me.  Not because I don't enjoy that plasticy frosting that dyes your poo blue and green, who doesn't love that little experiment?  And not because I dislike being invited to the fancy trampoline gym that costs a bit too much to do on a rainy afternoon.  That was one of the most fun birthday parties ever!  On a side note, if you ever open a trampoline gym, please supply a 'mommy kit' for those of us who have had our bladder partially eviscerated by the child that has been invited to the birthday party.  We don't often carry around adult diapers.

The parties are difficult because I'm an anti-materialistic hippie.  When I throw a birthday party for my kids, it is a no gifts party.  ....and just so you know, I don't deprive my lovies, I feel that the gifts they get from us, the grands, the aunts and uncles, cousins and super close friends are more than enough for a 6yo brain to absorb.

So the gifts....What to get?  A lego set? Oh, but wait, the good ones are all $28. A book? Which one?  Will it look cheap? What kid really wants a book?  Soccer ball? do they even play?  Art set?  AAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

And this is where I have gone wrong.  I don't have to be anti-materialistic with your child.  I don't even have to bring the best and most expensive gift.  All I, and you, have to do to make everyone happy.... is buy the gift for the parents.

I'm not saying bring a six pack for little Johnny.  Close though.

It has to be something that when the gift is unwrapped, the child says 'cool!', while the parents make eye contact with each other, and sharing a wink they telepathically say to each other 'we're stealing that.'

This-----------------------------------> is the gift my kids both got from three Chinese ladies that came over for dinner.  Definitely thoughtful and appropriate, the kids loved them.

They are two sided, magnetic, and the best part?

It opens my bottles.

So let's do this, let's create a list of items that our children can appreciate, but won't necessarily miss when we abscond with it after the party...

1. Cool bottle opener. (China 1, America 0)
2. Stormtrooper helmet ice chest.  I couldn't find one of these on the interwebs, but some cool cat needs to make this happen, because I want one.
3. A nice flashlight, with the batteries, because how pissed are you when the gift doesn't work and you have to drive over to the store for the dumb batteries.
4. Hampster.  Just kidding.  Don't EVER get someone else something that is alive, unless you want to sever all ties to this family....then go for a noisy bird.
5. Super hero school folders.  ...ok, this is boring and kind of a crappy gift, but these are the folders that are seventeen times the cost of the plain ones.  The folders that every kid wants, but you don't want to get because you know how silly it is to spend that much on a paper product.  (or maybe that's just me being anti-consumerist.... you make the choice)
6. A book, but stick a movie theater gift card in the card.  The kid will never see the movie gift card, but possibly not really see the book too.  This gift will be put aside as soon as it is opened, possibly even before it is opened if the kids feels that a book is wrapped.  You loose cool points with the kid though.  At least the parents will get a date night...
8. Fun chip clips. We always need them, but refuse to spend the cash on the cool ones.  The kids will think they are rockin, and you get fun clips for your chip bags. (or organic veggie straw bags, because that's how I roll)

...that's what I have been able to come up with on just a few cups of coffee.  Just wait until the chocolate cake hits...

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